Jeremy is the overweight friend. He has known Jared since they were kids. Jeremy is a jewish fellow with black curly hair and can usually be seen wearing  a suit. He wears a gold star of david around his neck and he sweats profusely when doing just about anything. Then there’s Tay. Tay is their black friend. Jared and Jeremy met Tay a while back during college. Tay himself was an outcast among his other african american friends so he and Jeremy and Jared hit it off immediately. Tay is about 6 foot and very skinny. He prides himself in his ability to get women yet he hasn’t gotten laid in over 4 years. Also, Tay has a haircut referred to as the “high-top fade” which, as you know died out about 20 years ago.  Jared is a white man with dark brown hair, combed to the side. He wears his pants abnormally high. If he is wearing shorts, they are way too short. Shoes typically outdated even for his age. His legs and back are freakishly hairy.

Jared has a problem. He can’t pick up women. Well, he isn’t the worst at talking to women, but when it comes time to “seal the deal” he has absolutely no idea what he is doing. Take last week for example, the guys were at a baseball game, and sitting beside them in their row were three hot blonde Marlin fans. About 4 innings into the game without speaking to the women, a foul ball comes flying into their section. The ball comes straight toward the women, and one of them catches it. Minutes after, another ball comes flying toward the women again, and the ball is caught by another lady. Jared then turns to them and says “Wow, you ladies are really good at catching balls.”

This is what I’m talking about. Jared has no style, sense of class, or charisma. Jeremy is married, so usually stays out of the discussions on how to get pussy. But Tay is constantly giving Jared advice on how and what to say to women. “Yea dog just walk up to her, and tell her she’s the finest bitch you’ve eva seen!” The success rate on Tay’s advice is about 6%, and Jared is at a point where he is so desperate, he will try anything to get into a girl’s pants.

One day while the fellas were playing basketball, Jared paused and said “Guys, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been jerking off for months straight and I’m sick of it!” “Well quit jerkin it then.” Jeremy replied. “You don’t get it. said Jared. I haven’t gotten laid in so long I don’t even know what a pussy looks like anymore!” “I have an idea.” Tay said. “On your next post route, I want you to use a few pickup lines on the ladies you deliverin mail to. Ima write you up a few of them and I want you to spit these to the chicks when they open that door. Nothing is sexier to a woman than a man holding a package with her name on it. haha, ya dig?”

So the next day Jared went on his daily post route, the first couple houses were men, and then finally he pulled up to a woman’s house. Soccer mom. Milf. Perfect. He looked at the paper Tay gave him. Then approached the door. The mom answered, long red hair and tight jean shorts, she looked good. Jared said “Mam I have a question for you. If I flip a coin, what are the chances of getting head?” “What the fuck!? I’m calling the police.” The woman cried. “No! Wait. Don’t please I just took my friends advice on what to say to women, I’m really not good at this I just thought I would try, I’m very sorry if I offended you.” The woman hesitated, then returned back to the door. “Well, I guess you didn’t mean any harm. Fine I wont call the police.”

“Oh thank god, the FBI wants to steal my penis, can I hide it inside of you?”

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Hi, I’m Christina. I’m a pretty regular girl, I’m not socially retarded and despite the fact that my day to day attire resembles that of a prepubescent boy’s, I somehow manage to get approached by the opposite sex at least three times per day. On days when I bring myself to look past my alarm’s snooze button and put some effort into my appearance, you know, actually flat ironing my hair and putting on some lipgloss, that aforementioned number increases exponentially. So before I give you the impression that I’m a super conceited, self-centered twat, let me point out that I don’t consider myself that attractive. I’m very average looking and the owner of this ratchet blog loves to point out that I’m 15 lbs overweight -on a daily basis.

Yet, guys still want to wine, dine and fuck me. Most of the time it’s just the latter, but you catch my drift. What works in my favor and “appeal” if you will, are my tattoos and piercings. I have a few very visible tattoos on my arms, chest, back and shoulder, as well as size 0 ear gauges and a septum piercing, which according to a previous post on this blog, makes me a slut, and of course vulnerable to blatant come-on’s. No pun intended. My “slut looks” have made me such a fucking boss at weeding out the good vs the bad ways to hit on a girl, that I’m pretty much the Rick Ross of this shit.

Put simply, men are idiots and it’s a mindfuck how anyone’s procreated at all. Like I said before, I’ve heard every pickup line in the douchebag book. Everything from “what time do those legs close?” to “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”. These are all corny lines and should never be used. No matter how good looking you may think you are, saying lame shit like that isn’t going to get you anywhere near the object of your affection’s cooch. How slutty a girl looks isn’t a factor, if you’re lame and dumb as rocks, you’re most likely going to spend your evenings with nothing but a bottle of lotion and Nancy Grace’s annoying voice in the background. If you’ve got any semblance of real life game, you should know by now that bitches love to laugh.

Girls love funny guys and don’t trust handsome ones. Guys that are too good-looking usually raise a shitload of red flags. In all honesty, they kind of freak me out. I think they’re going to call me fat or point out my lack of personal upkeep. In turn, I become tense and insecure and in the end, annoyed and mad for even putting myself in that situation. But funny guys… they have my heart. I love, love, love a funny guy. Funny guys should be the only guys allowed to use pick up lines. They can execute them in a way a handsome guy can’t. Because even if they fuck up or stammer their words, they’ll still keep a girl interested. When girls think you’re funny, they automatically think you’re smart. The thing is to not over think the situation; no girl wants to hear about the faux footlong in your pants straight off the bat. That doesn’t mean you should go around trying to impress girls with how well versed in culture you are. Try impressing upon them that you’re FUNNY and interesting. Tell her what a traumatic mess losing your virginity to an older girl was. Go to a bar, drink three or four drinks back to back, and if you’re still laughing and talking by the end of the night, then awesome. You’re probably going to get your dick wet tonight.

Picking up Girls – An “Average” Girl’s Point Of View is another from your very own, pickuphelp.co

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The last thing you want to do is blindly go up to a girl without her expecting you and get rejected. When she sees you, she is aware that you are around and might want to say something to her. When you have finally noticed her noticing you, take your time and let the situation marinate (5-6 mins or the time it takes to finish exactly one drink) . I would even talk to other girls your not interested in and letting your target know your outgoing, fun, and full of confidence. If she keeps looking at you, lets say once every minute, chance are she is VERY interested in you and you have to strike while the iron is HOT.

When you first walk up to your target, make sure you have a pick up line ready to go. I usually remember at least 5 pickup lines I can spit out without even thinking (when you are drunk it helps to remember them) As you walk up look your target right in the eyes and with a cocky grin shoot her the ice breaker. If she laughs, your one step closer to getting laid. If she doesn’t laugh try to keep her attention by moving onto a subject at hand like “so do you like it here?” or ” whats going on later.”  If you can keep the conversation going, the second part in picking her up and, hopefully take her to bed, as just begun.

In all honesty, half the battle is won before you even drop a line. The key part to picking up a girl in any bar setting is getting noticed. During that notice period, try not to seem like a creep. You just want to let her know you are in the vicinity and your casually checking her out.

good luck,

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