Hi, I’m Christina. I’m a pretty regular girl, I’m not socially retarded and despite the fact that my day to day attire resembles that of a prepubescent boy’s, I somehow manage to get approached by the opposite sex at least three times per day. On days when I bring myself to look past my alarm’s snooze button and put some effort into my appearance, you know, actually flat ironing my hair and putting on some lipgloss, that aforementioned number increases exponentially. So before I give you the impression that I’m a super conceited, self-centered twat, let me point out that I don’t consider myself that attractive. I’m very average looking and the owner of this ratchet blog loves to point out that I’m 15 lbs overweight -on a daily basis.
Yet, guys still want to wine, dine and fuck me. Most of the time it’s just the latter, but you catch my drift. What works in my favor and “appeal” if you will, are my tattoos and piercings. I have a few very visible tattoos on my arms, chest, back and shoulder, as well as size 0 ear gauges and a septum piercing, which according to a previous post on this blog, makes me a slut, and of course vulnerable to blatant come-on’s. No pun intended. My “slut looks” have made me such a fucking boss at weeding out the good vs the bad ways to hit on a girl, that I’m pretty much the Rick Ross of this shit.
Put simply, men are idiots and it’s a mindfuck how anyone’s procreated at all. Like I said before, I’ve heard every pickup line in the douchebag book. Everything from “what time do those legs close?” to “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”. These are all corny lines and should never be used. No matter how good looking you may think you are, saying lame shit like that isn’t going to get you anywhere near the object of your affection’s cooch. How slutty a girl looks isn’t a factor, if you’re lame and dumb as rocks, you’re most likely going to spend your evenings with nothing but a bottle of lotion and Nancy Grace’s annoying voice in the background. If you’ve got any semblance of real life game, you should know by now that bitches love to laugh.
Girls love funny guys and don’t trust handsome ones. Guys that are too good-looking usually raise a shitload of red flags. In all honesty, they kind of freak me out. I think they’re going to call me fat or point out my lack of personal upkeep. In turn, I become tense and insecure and in the end, annoyed and mad for even putting myself in that situation. But funny guys… they have my heart. I love, love, love a funny guy. Funny guys should be the only guys allowed to use pick up lines. They can execute them in a way a handsome guy can’t. Because even if they fuck up or stammer their words, they’ll still keep a girl interested. When girls think you’re funny, they automatically think you’re smart. The thing is to not over think the situation; no girl wants to hear about the faux footlong in your pants straight off the bat. That doesn’t mean you should go around trying to impress girls with how well versed in culture you are. Try impressing upon them that you’re FUNNY and interesting. Tell her what a traumatic mess losing your virginity to an older girl was. Go to a bar, drink three or four drinks back to back, and if you’re still laughing and talking by the end of the night, then awesome. You’re probably going to get your dick wet tonight.
author Christina Saunders
Hi, I'm Christina. I love watching anime, Batman the animated series, and embarrassing my friends and family in social situations. When I'm not engaging in any of those captivating activities, I make a living by being a writer. I've written for various publications; SPIN Magazine, Girl's Life Magazine, NME and ID. I originally intended to become a civil engineer, but became lazy and opted to be a writer. Connect with me on Google+